How does one go about making friends? It's something I've never quite figured out how to do.
I know what my problem is, too. I operate under the assumption that to socialize is to disturb. That is to say, if I engage someone in conversation, it is more likely to bother them than to please them. So, instead, I typically wait for others to talk to me.
Well, so what happens when you speak to me? I'm not quite myself. I might project a skittish, prim, shy demeanor, and I probably seem snobbish. It's really too bad that I can't wear a sign that reads, "In the event that I seem like a superior jerk, be aware that I'm actually just painfully shy!" I blame New England.
I assure you, I do get better with time. Once I abandon fears of saying something mortifyingly stupid and putting you off to me forever, I can be quite friendly. I might say something awkward here and there, but I'll mentally smack myself upside the head and remember never to make the same mistake twice. You might even like me this way.
If things get very (and I do mean very) friendly between us, you'll see "the real me," or at least a couple of my "real" parts. "The real me" is, well, bawdy. Surprisingly depraved. Painfully silly. Decidedly weird. And you can't usually get to this part through booze alone, thought it's been known to happen. In most cases, I want to feel certain you won't run away in horror when you see the human toilet that is the "real" visage of my personality. (I'll have you know that I edited that last sentence several times in order to avoid being too disgusting.)
Paradoxically, I like to think of myself as a rather classy sort of chick, and maybe that's why the monster that is my sense of humor isn't something I feel comfortable revealing too readily. I'm afraid it would be too shocking for some people to hear such a serious, demure woman say something fouler than what the darkest recesses of the internet have to offer. And rightly so. One shouldn't go around advertising that sort of thing. It's, er, unbecoming?
Can I strike a balance? I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I was fortunate to have some of the best, most like-minded friends back home in Connecticut, and so I never felt the need to seek out new ones. I'd like to allow glimpses before really pulling out all the stops when getting to know someone new, but I'm out of practice in that art, if I ever truly mastered it to begin with. You know, the art of being appropriately open. Appropriately honest in my casual interactions with people.
I asked a friend of mine to read this over and to let me know if it was too pathetic to post, but he pointed out that it's likely a lot of people will relate. Expat or not, it's hard to combine an appropriate dose of reality with the polite fiction of who you are. And, if you're a shy sort of person, it's hard to get even that far. I would add "especially in Finland," but, in truth, I think Connecticut is worse in that regard.
So, how do you make friends? How open are you to chatting with coworkers, etc.? Are you shy at first? Which parts of yourself are you afraid to share, or think are contradictory when viewed against your "public persona"? If you're an expat, how has it affected your life in your new home?
I know what my problem is, too. I operate under the assumption that to socialize is to disturb. That is to say, if I engage someone in conversation, it is more likely to bother them than to please them. So, instead, I typically wait for others to talk to me.
Well, so what happens when you speak to me? I'm not quite myself. I might project a skittish, prim, shy demeanor, and I probably seem snobbish. It's really too bad that I can't wear a sign that reads, "In the event that I seem like a superior jerk, be aware that I'm actually just painfully shy!" I blame New England.
I assure you, I do get better with time. Once I abandon fears of saying something mortifyingly stupid and putting you off to me forever, I can be quite friendly. I might say something awkward here and there, but I'll mentally smack myself upside the head and remember never to make the same mistake twice. You might even like me this way.
If things get very (and I do mean very) friendly between us, you'll see "the real me," or at least a couple of my "real" parts. "The real me" is, well, bawdy. Surprisingly depraved. Painfully silly. Decidedly weird. And you can't usually get to this part through booze alone, thought it's been known to happen. In most cases, I want to feel certain you won't run away in horror when you see the human toilet that is the "real" visage of my personality. (I'll have you know that I edited that last sentence several times in order to avoid being too disgusting.)
Paradoxically, I like to think of myself as a rather classy sort of chick, and maybe that's why the monster that is my sense of humor isn't something I feel comfortable revealing too readily. I'm afraid it would be too shocking for some people to hear such a serious, demure woman say something fouler than what the darkest recesses of the internet have to offer. And rightly so. One shouldn't go around advertising that sort of thing. It's, er, unbecoming?
Can I strike a balance? I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I was fortunate to have some of the best, most like-minded friends back home in Connecticut, and so I never felt the need to seek out new ones. I'd like to allow glimpses before really pulling out all the stops when getting to know someone new, but I'm out of practice in that art, if I ever truly mastered it to begin with. You know, the art of being appropriately open. Appropriately honest in my casual interactions with people.
I asked a friend of mine to read this over and to let me know if it was too pathetic to post, but he pointed out that it's likely a lot of people will relate. Expat or not, it's hard to combine an appropriate dose of reality with the polite fiction of who you are. And, if you're a shy sort of person, it's hard to get even that far. I would add "especially in Finland," but, in truth, I think Connecticut is worse in that regard.
So, how do you make friends? How open are you to chatting with coworkers, etc.? Are you shy at first? Which parts of yourself are you afraid to share, or think are contradictory when viewed against your "public persona"? If you're an expat, how has it affected your life in your new home?
Interesting post. And don't worry, I don't find this post pathetic at all. In fact, reading some of these paragraphs remind me of myself he he...I'm also not such a social person. I don't like trying to find new groups of people or hanging out with new bunches of people. Being with strangers or new people too much exhausts me. And when I'm in a new group of people, I also wait for others to talk to me first instead of trying to talk to any one of them.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy with my small circle of close friends, but once I moved to Finland, I know I have to start building my own "network of new friends" so to speak. I do still "talk" regularly with my close friends through emails, but I find that I need to enlarge my network to adapt to my "needs".
I'm someone who "talks more" online than in real life, but then again it depends on the kind of person I meet. I've met some people who make me feel that I can joke with them even from the get go...but I've also met people who bring up the "shy side" of me. And like yourself, once you get to know me, usually you'll get to see sides of me that won't appear during the first meetings. However, I must say that these days it doesn't take too long to let out those "other sides" compared to when I was younger for example.
I don't really have too much time to chat with my coworkers due to the nature of my work, so when I do have a chance to talk to them, I mostly just ask them about their life or I tell them about something in my life that's happening. Now that we're all connected in Facebook, we do "talk more" there (and it's kinda easier for me to respond 'coz we all use Finnish at work and sometimes it's just easier to give short verbal responses due to time limit etc. - whereas in Facebook I can think first what to write and it's easier to understand what they're saying. Mind you, though, that most of them are younger than me, so they use more slang and informal Finnish words than the formal ones).
Gee...this comment is getting too long, sorry, but anyway...when I first arrived here, I went to Finland Forum to try to find other foreigners living here and I found a Brit family here, so we met and we've been friends ever since. Through her and also some evening Finnish classes, I met other foreigners (the few that live here), but I'm not close to the others.
Other than that, I've been blogging ever since I moved to Finland (almost 5 years now) and I now have plenty of wonderful blogging friends to complete my "network" of friends. Funnily enough, I don't have any Finnish friends yet. I have lots of Finnish acquaintances and some coworkers, but not friends to hang out with. I'm OK with that for the time being. Thankfully I'm close to my MIL and we meet once a week (if nothing comes up that makes us unable to meet, that is).
Funny thing is that I think personality-wise, I'm more suitable to Finnish culture than Indonesian culture. Indo culture is so "nosy". Questions like: "When are you going to get married?" "When are you going to have a baby?" "When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling?" are normal chit-chat questions. Here in Finland at least they don't do that.
Plus for some weird reason, in Indo I FELT that those who are outgoing are more "appreciated" than here in Finland. And I've never been outgoing in my entire life. I'm more of a bookish person he he he...so I do feel more "at home" in Finland actually, esp. after living here for almost 5 years now. :-)))
The name says it all:
ReplyDelete"Connect - I - cut."
Could your troubles be rooted in your home state´s onomastics?
Just kidding...check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKdFux3QUxs
I totally relate, naturally. The thing with personality, and with people is, we can be walking talking paradoxes. You can be prim and shy, but also more foul-mouthed than a sailor, that's what makes humans so fascinating. We're taught to be so logical, which works in figuring out the world, but people aren't really logical, we don't make sense. Delicious ambiguity.
ReplyDeleteWhat I found with me is the less I care about a person the more I can be myself. If I don't give a shit about their opinion I have nothing to fear. On the other hand, when I do care about what someone thinks about me, I feel so awkward, or if I'm in a position or situation where I don't feel comfortable.
I'm taking a cue from drag queens and being confident, no matter what, and faking it til I make it. It seems it matters more of what you project and appear to be rather than what you are. Be fabulous, no matter what anyone thinks! *snaps fingers*
I'd like to offer advice about socializing, but the sad truth is that I'm worse at than you. I've chosen to just disregard what other people think about me in general. It's been hard for me to do, because my tendency is to try to bridge the gap. Some people are just jackasses and aren't going to like you anyway. You might as well repel those people right away with lack of tact, saves you from having to deal with their bitchiness anyway. I think the key to meeting people is quantity. The more people you get in touch with the more likely you are to find people you get along with well. For me the ratio is about 1 in 10.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to being a quasi-ex-pat: On the bright side when I'm in a foreign country I feel foreign, but it's a normal feeling for me so I'm pretty comfortable.