Well, the brute (MS) backhanded me sometime around March 31st. At least, that's when I first noticed that something was wrong.
I decided to go into work a little later - 8.30 rather than my usual 7.30 - that morning. I drank my coffee a little more leisurely and I eschewed my ride to work in favor of walking. On my way, I noticed that navigating the terrain was difficult; for some ineffable reason, I was afraid I might fall.
I almost fell straight backwards a couple of times throughout the day. My balance was noticeably off. This might be very bad, I thought. But I put in a full day's work and then some at home, too.
The next day, I had promised myself a day of working remotely. I'd been feeling immensely stressed, and I had no lessons or exams that day. I wouldn't say the day did much in the way of relieving stress, but I did manage to accomplish a lot, and I suffered few distractions. Typing, however, was strangely tiring.
At 2 or 3, I decided to take a break and go for a run. It would be a treat. I donned my workout clothes, took a last-minute phone call and was out the door.
It was only after five minutes or so that I noticed I was running with a distinct limp. This is just psychological. This is not happening, I told myself before giving up.
That weekend, things worsened. I went in for treatment the following week, and they worsened still. At my worst, I was unable to do much other than walk myself short distances (My foot crumpled up and dragged beneath me, my right arm was out of commission, and my balance was awful - I'd say I was at major risk of falling.) shower, eat and sleep. This lasted almost a week, during which time I tried to distract myself in my waking moments by streaming TV shows on my laptop. All I could think, watching those people on the screen, was how easily they moved, how effortlessly they walked.
Today, I seem to be improving. Physical improvement has brought hope, which, I must admit, was only desperate sadness not two days ago.
I'm lucky to live in Finland, where doctors prescribe sick leave for a bad sniffle. Still, I'm American, and missing work makes me feel anxious and guilty. I'm doing my motherfucking damndest to return to work on Monday. (How does one use crutches?)
I'm not going to end this on a positive note just yet; I am too wary. Let's just say, I hope beyond hope that things can return as closely as possible to the way they were.
I decided to go into work a little later - 8.30 rather than my usual 7.30 - that morning. I drank my coffee a little more leisurely and I eschewed my ride to work in favor of walking. On my way, I noticed that navigating the terrain was difficult; for some ineffable reason, I was afraid I might fall.
I almost fell straight backwards a couple of times throughout the day. My balance was noticeably off. This might be very bad, I thought. But I put in a full day's work and then some at home, too.
The next day, I had promised myself a day of working remotely. I'd been feeling immensely stressed, and I had no lessons or exams that day. I wouldn't say the day did much in the way of relieving stress, but I did manage to accomplish a lot, and I suffered few distractions. Typing, however, was strangely tiring.
At 2 or 3, I decided to take a break and go for a run. It would be a treat. I donned my workout clothes, took a last-minute phone call and was out the door.
It was only after five minutes or so that I noticed I was running with a distinct limp. This is just psychological. This is not happening, I told myself before giving up.
That weekend, things worsened. I went in for treatment the following week, and they worsened still. At my worst, I was unable to do much other than walk myself short distances (My foot crumpled up and dragged beneath me, my right arm was out of commission, and my balance was awful - I'd say I was at major risk of falling.) shower, eat and sleep. This lasted almost a week, during which time I tried to distract myself in my waking moments by streaming TV shows on my laptop. All I could think, watching those people on the screen, was how easily they moved, how effortlessly they walked.
Today, I seem to be improving. Physical improvement has brought hope, which, I must admit, was only desperate sadness not two days ago.
I'm lucky to live in Finland, where doctors prescribe sick leave for a bad sniffle. Still, I'm American, and missing work makes me feel anxious and guilty. I'm doing my motherfucking damndest to return to work on Monday. (How does one use crutches?)
I'm not going to end this on a positive note just yet; I am too wary. Let's just say, I hope beyond hope that things can return as closely as possible to the way they were.
Sorry to hear it, Lena. Thinking of you. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Amy. Every little bit helps. :)
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear the news. I'll be sending loving vibes and virtual hugs. Thanks for sharing and being a brave badass!!
DeleteI'm glad to hear things have started to improve. I say stay out of work for another week, just to be sure ;-)
ReplyDeleteSending positive vibes and healing thoughts; hope the spring brings along strength and health. And...I second Melissa; take it easy and chill for another week - work can always wait.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good thoughts and the encouragement, Zella. :)
Delete(((HUGS))) Take it one day at a time, Elena. I'm glad that things have started to improve. May they continue to improve and may the improvements stay as long as they possibly can. I had some guilt as well during my 2-month sick leave due to bilateral tennis elbow. During that period of time, I avoided visiting my workplace and I avoided going out since from the outside, I looked perfectly healthy and I was able to walk on my own. In Indo, it's impossible to take such a long sick leave (unless you're the boss's wife/child/relative) without losing your job. But you know what? We do live in Finland and we're not abusing the system. The system is there to support us and we have the right to use it whenever we need it, just like everybody else covered by the system here.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Amel. You're totally right about the system being there to help us. I ended up taking the sick leave my doctor recommended. There were lots of reasons for my decision, but the most important was that I was nowhere near emotionally or physically ready. I'm much getting much better, but fortunately I still have a week to get back on track.
DeleteHow's your tennis elbow? :)