I opened my last post with a metaphor I've often had in mind: MS as an abuser. The weird thing is, this relapse, while mostly something I wish never, ever happened in the first place, has also been something of a friendly slap in the face or a bucket of ice water over the head.
When this happened, I was treating myself, well, like shit. Did you happen to catch when I compared myself to a Podling, drained of her essence? "Oh, yeah, I haven't been able to write or whatever, but I'm pretty sure it'll be okay."
It, as I well knew, was not okay.
So, here is what I must do from now on:
1. take my medication. Before, whenever it might have decreased my productivity, I didn't take it. Medication will now take top priority in this equation, without exception.
2. listen to music more. It keeps me in touch with who I am, which is someone other than an expat, immigrant, imperfect speaker of Finnish, 'different' or somehow unable to fulfil (mostly my own) expectations.
3. read more books (of my choosing). I can't teach if I don't learn. I can't learn if I don't take the time to do so.
4. write. I'll hate my life if I don't.
5. find a way to ditch the anxiety at any cost, save my motor skills.
6. rest. Relax.
7. be prepared for it to show. Up until the first of this month, revealing the fact of my MS was always met with surprise. It may well not be so anymore.
8. be selfish, and make more selfish decisions. If you want that in self-help speak, I should work on prioritising my own needs.
tl:dr, Some things have to change.
When this happened, I was treating myself, well, like shit. Did you happen to catch when I compared myself to a Podling, drained of her essence? "Oh, yeah, I haven't been able to write or whatever, but I'm pretty sure it'll be okay."
It, as I well knew, was not okay.
So, here is what I must do from now on:
1. take my medication. Before, whenever it might have decreased my productivity, I didn't take it. Medication will now take top priority in this equation, without exception.
2. listen to music more. It keeps me in touch with who I am, which is someone other than an expat, immigrant, imperfect speaker of Finnish, 'different' or somehow unable to fulfil (mostly my own) expectations.
3. read more books (of my choosing). I can't teach if I don't learn. I can't learn if I don't take the time to do so.
4. write. I'll hate my life if I don't.
5. find a way to ditch the anxiety at any cost, save my motor skills.
6. rest. Relax.
7. be prepared for it to show. Up until the first of this month, revealing the fact of my MS was always met with surprise. It may well not be so anymore.
8. be selfish, and make more selfish decisions. If you want that in self-help speak, I should work on prioritising my own needs.
tl:dr, Some things have to change.
Long time reader here. I'm not sure what to say other than that I am thrilled to see you writing here more often and I hope that you are feeling better soon. <3 Good choice to be more "selfish", by the way. Life is short and ever-changing- Enjoy every moment as it is! ~ E
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words, E. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, just like the announcement on the plane saying "You should put on your own mask first before helping others put on their masks", we do need to take care of ourselves enough before we can even think of helping others. I love your list of plans, but I'd change the word "selfish" to "being mindful". Be mindful of your own limitations.
ReplyDeleteI've had to set boundaries at work (being firm despite the fact that I know sometimes they're in big trouble if there are lots of sick people in any given week) and I've had to explain to my boss what my limitations are so that we're on the same page. I don't want to take a long sick leave again (unless really necessary), but I know I'll be ruining my body if I don't set limits to myself. It's not easy to do this esp. if your symptoms/conditions vary, but I find that being open/honest with your colleagues/boss is very important regarding your own limits/problems.
Thanks for asking, Elena. :-) I'm still recovering from the tennis elbow. There are good days and worse days, but as long as I don't do more than 3 shifts per week, I can still handle it. I need to do a lot of work and rest and self-massage + proper massage as it may take a long time to heal (a friend said it took her 2 years to heal). I'm going to try out acupuncture next. :-)
Good advice, Amel. Part of the problem is that I've been asking too much of myself and taking small successes and failures too seriously. I think this situation has taught me about my own limits a little bit.
DeleteI'm sorry that recovery takes a while. I'm glad you're taking the time you need to heal. :)