I love living in Finland. I truly do. For me, life is immeasurably less stressful than it is in the United States. I have found that I love the winter, the people, the food, the language, etc. And Finland has been good to me. Its institutions seem to facilitate integration. I have felt safe and welcome. I realize a lot of other people have had profoundly negative experiences here, but, as yet, those experiences have not been mine.
And I hesitate to complain, because Finland as a place has done nothing but good for me. My complaints, therefore, are my own fault. Why outline it here, then? Well, it's sort of an important portion of the truth. You didn't think immigration was entirely without its struggles, did you? And I know you're sick of hearing about how beautiful the winter is and how much I enjoy slogging away at the Finnish language.
You see, I've always been a sort of neurotic person. I worry about all manner of rational and irrational things (in a decidedly irrational way). But the thing I worry about most is whether or not I am good enough. Beautiful enough, smart enough, nice enough, strong enough, surly enough, sweet enough, thin enough, tall enough, blonde enough, brunette enough, deferent enough, direct enough. I also worry, incidentally, about whether or not anyone can tell that I'm worried. It's a problem. It's probably my worst flaw. Because when you're so concerned with who you are, how you look, and how others see you, it tends to make you self-centered. That's the ugly truth of it.
Which brings me to the trouble: here in Finland, I feel out of place. I feel out of place -- not because I don't speak Finnish very well or because I'm not always adequately acquainted with the customs here, although those things are true -- because I don't look like a Finn.
For simplicity's sake, let's call me Irish-Italian-American. It's an ethnic mix that occurs a lot where I'm from. I have blue eyes, thick and curly dark blonde hair (no, I'm not mistaken; I dye it brown and straighten the hell out of it), pasty-white skin that tans in the summer, a roman nose and a long, angular face. All in all, I'd say I look more Italian than Irish, though I probably just look like an amorphous European with a semi-aquiline nose.
The nose, the face, are what I agonize about most when I go out. My features are too pronounced. I must look like a stretched, schnozy, small-mouthed freak. The things about which I've always harbored the most anxiety are the very things that make me stand out here. I don't much like it, as it turn out.
I know what you're thinking. "How do you think you'd feel if you weren't white? You'd stand out quite a bit more in Lappeenranta, Finland. Stop fucking whining!" And I have to say that I agree with you. No caveats come to mind; you're right and I agree with you. It's just a feeling I have, and I've been unable to switch it off yet. I told you I was neurotic.
I write about this in the hopes that other expats will feel as if I've expressed something of what they too experience. I also hope that I'll soon stop agonizing over things that are of relatively little consequence. Whatever the result, I hope you enjoyed this bit of "social porn," as I've heard a few Finns aptly call it.
And I hesitate to complain, because Finland as a place has done nothing but good for me. My complaints, therefore, are my own fault. Why outline it here, then? Well, it's sort of an important portion of the truth. You didn't think immigration was entirely without its struggles, did you? And I know you're sick of hearing about how beautiful the winter is and how much I enjoy slogging away at the Finnish language.
You see, I've always been a sort of neurotic person. I worry about all manner of rational and irrational things (in a decidedly irrational way). But the thing I worry about most is whether or not I am good enough. Beautiful enough, smart enough, nice enough, strong enough, surly enough, sweet enough, thin enough, tall enough, blonde enough, brunette enough, deferent enough, direct enough. I also worry, incidentally, about whether or not anyone can tell that I'm worried. It's a problem. It's probably my worst flaw. Because when you're so concerned with who you are, how you look, and how others see you, it tends to make you self-centered. That's the ugly truth of it.
Which brings me to the trouble: here in Finland, I feel out of place. I feel out of place -- not because I don't speak Finnish very well or because I'm not always adequately acquainted with the customs here, although those things are true -- because I don't look like a Finn.
For simplicity's sake, let's call me Irish-Italian-American. It's an ethnic mix that occurs a lot where I'm from. I have blue eyes, thick and curly dark blonde hair (no, I'm not mistaken; I dye it brown and straighten the hell out of it), pasty-white skin that tans in the summer, a roman nose and a long, angular face. All in all, I'd say I look more Italian than Irish, though I probably just look like an amorphous European with a semi-aquiline nose.
The nose, the face, are what I agonize about most when I go out. My features are too pronounced. I must look like a stretched, schnozy, small-mouthed freak. The things about which I've always harbored the most anxiety are the very things that make me stand out here. I don't much like it, as it turn out.
I know what you're thinking. "How do you think you'd feel if you weren't white? You'd stand out quite a bit more in Lappeenranta, Finland. Stop fucking whining!" And I have to say that I agree with you. No caveats come to mind; you're right and I agree with you. It's just a feeling I have, and I've been unable to switch it off yet. I told you I was neurotic.
I write about this in the hopes that other expats will feel as if I've expressed something of what they too experience. I also hope that I'll soon stop agonizing over things that are of relatively little consequence. Whatever the result, I hope you enjoyed this bit of "social porn," as I've heard a few Finns aptly call it.
Well, you're not Finnish, so of course you're going to stand out, much like I stand out with Ray and his family. It might be in my head, but I think his nephew stares at me like, "One of these things is not like the others."
ReplyDeleteWhether or not you "fit in" in Finland, you're gorgeous. I'm sure many ladies are secretly and not so secretly jealous, including your Cosmic twin :)
Besides, in what I'd guess is a fairly homogenous place like Finland, you'd be exotic, not a bad thing.
And if anything, please show them that not all Americans are shallow ignorant pigs. Please. Some of us Yankees do not ascribe to that stereotype, but I can see why others think that's what we're about.
Focus on integrating, on being with Rami, and fuck the rest. It looks good on you ;)
Thanks for your kind words, CT, and you may recall that when I found out what you looked like ages ago, I said, "Damn, I would have been seriously jealous had I known one of Nick's school friends was so hot!" So it goes both ways.
DeleteYou'll be glad to know that I have encountered no American-directed discrimination to speak of. The closest thing was when someone asked me if I "eat a lot of hamburgers," which I found absolutely hilarious. Oh, and people do tend to look at me rather intently if I speak English in public, so I often try to speak only Finnish when I'm out. That's all entirely understandable, though. Nope, either I'm representing the US well, or people just don't care about who I am or where I'm from (I suspect the latter). Basically, it's all in my head.
If you look like the photo at the top of your blog, to me you look just as Finnish as the next person (and gorgeous!) Sure, you aren't platinum blonde, but neither are most Finnish women, and it seems to me that people here are pretty diverse-looking. Then again, I live in Helsinki, not Lappeenranta, and perhaps I shouldn't assume that the whole of Finland is similar to Helsinki...
ReplyDeleteI lived in Japan for many years, so I know what it's like to feel out of place, physically. I am tall and blonde and have blue eyes, and strangers often assume I'm from a Nordic country. As you can imagine, in Japan I never managed to blend in to the crowd! I also know, though, that for over a year after moving from Tokyo to Helsinki, I felt completely insecure about my looks, despite the fact that finally I really did look just like everyone else. Looking back, I think it was absolutely all in my head, and it was a reaction to a new environment and new people around me.
Thanks very much for the compliment and the reassurance that I don't look all that out of place! Perhaps it's just my perception, but here in Lappeenranta people do tend to look quite nordic. And I suppose I could fit in hair-wise if I wanted to dye it a lighter blonde, but it's primarily the facial features that I sometimes worry look horribly odd and out of place.
DeleteBut I think you put your finger on it -- it's a reaction to being in a new place, and I'm sort of superimposing other insecurities onto my appearance.
And you must have stood out in Japan! You do look northern European in your picture. That's the sort of situation that makes me feel a little stupid for being insecure; whether I look Finnish or not, the difference between me and everyone else can't possibly be that eye-catching. Where are you from originally?
I'm actually Australian! However, my colouring comes from my Russian ancestry (my grandparents were among the wave of people who left Russia during the revolution). In this sense, it's completely understandable that I would be identified as coming from this part of the world. Until I open my mouth, that is! :)
DeleteI do think it's really common for people, when in a completely new environment, to "superimpose other insecurities onto their appearance", as you so eloquently put it. I saw it a lot among foreigners during the years I worked in Japan, and long before that when I was an exchange student my own insecurities drove me to borderline anorexia (I wrote about this on my blog: http://theheadspaceblog.blogspot.com/2011/10/defeating-skinny-bitch.html)
You look fantastic. If people seem to be looking at you, I'm 100% sure it's because they think you look gorgeous!
Neat. I myself am the product of a few immigration waves to the northeastern US. Ah, immigration.
DeleteWow, the post you linked to is incredible. I've had a few of the same struggles (not now, fortunately) and you capture them very accurately. Your early Japan experience sounded very difficult. I can't even imagine how freaked out I would have been in that situation at 18, or even nowadays!
Thanks again for the compliment. You also look lovely, and everything you've said has given me some much needed perspective!
This post reminds me of the first year I moved to Sodankylä. I was probably the only Asian girl living here at that time. I remember walking around the streets and everybody was staring at me - it happened during the first year (esp. the first six months). Nobody dared talk to me, though.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started working, so many people asked me where I came from etc. However, one regular customer only dared asked me those questions after I had worked here for a year hi hi hi hi...even though he had seen me lots of times during the year. LOL!!!
Anyhow, I've always been an "alien" so to speak. Whether I'm in Indonesia or in Finland, I'm "different". I'm a non-native in both countries so I'm used to it (I didn't get stared at in Indo, but everybody there knew I was a non-native). The only difference is that in Indo, being a Chinese-Indonesian has a more negative tone to it than being a Chinese-Indo in Finland (and there were some years when I "hated" my Chinese features back in Indo). If you wanna know about the negative tone, I can explain it to you in a LONG email (just drop me a line in my blog post, but it's gonna be a little bit of a history lesson) he he...
Oh, and people inside the cars (drivers and non-drivers alike) also stared at me during the first year I lived here. LOLLLLL!!! Back then I thought to myself, "So this must be what it feels like for blonde foreigners/tourists coming to my hometown" ---> 'coz they get stared at just like that ha ha ha ha ha...
DeleteFortunately I don't get stared at. Looked at thoughtfully sometimes, but never stared at. I think that's a) because I don't actually look as different as I FEEL I look and b) this is a small city, but it's a city nonetheless, and there are different kinds of people here and there.
DeleteIt must have been difficult for you in the beginning to get all those looks! But what I've heard about staring (in most cultures) is that it's really just sort of... unmasked curiosity. From what you say about your job etc. it sounds like they are not only used to you being around, they have fully embraced you. :)
Oh, and I'd LOVE a history lesson. I'll comment over at your blog.
Oh, being stared at is actually not as bad as you think - well, it depends on HOW you're being stared at (more about the history portion later in a separate email - gotta go to work soon).
DeleteBecause as you wrote as well that they just have a curious stare, I just found it funny. At least they didn't look at me as if I were a whore - I know some unfortunate Indo friend down south who heard once a couple of Finns saying to them that she must be a Thai whore when she was walking down a street and another time another Finn in a store yelled at her for "being a foreigner who's stealing tax money by doing nothing but being unemployed").
And yeah, fortunately they've embraced me much better than I could've ever imagined. I've met so many nice people through my work. That's one HUGE reason why I love my job (though in the beginning I wouldn't have dreamed that I'd grow to love this job) he he...
Yikes! What awful things to say about someone, especially within earshot! I hope she was able to laugh about it, or at least brush it off as stupidity.
DeleteThere are actually a few Thai women in my Finnish class, and though they've never mentioned any problems, I know a lot of people (here and in the US) subscribe to a stereotype about them. A few Russians in my class HAVE mentioned that they've been harassed at the store and whatnot, but I think they're usually old people who still harbor hatred for historical reasons. In my own personal experience though, the people of Lappeenranta are very nice and very tolerant, so kudos to them. :)
Well, my friend was hurt when she heard that. Apparently in the area where she lives there's plenty of prejudice and "dislike towards foreigners" (she still has so many more awful stories - especially about foreigners that look like they're coming from "poor" Asian countries). Fortunately for me, I've never felt anything like that here in Sodankylä. In fact, same as yourself, I've felt welcomed (esp. after I've started working).
DeleteYeah, it's really bad when people stereotype other people just based on looks. I've also met a few Thai women who are really nice and friendly (one of them was in our full-time Finnish course). I also know a few Russians (some of them were studying at ammattikoulu here in Sodankylä) and some of them have had bad experiences at school. :-(((
Humans...but then again I've also been guilty of prejudice and stereotyping, soooooo I just hope I can learn to improve myself over time.