I was once a singer. When I was about 9, I began singing in a really stellar children's choir. I neglected school, and it was pretty clear to those around me that I would at least attend music school, if not pursue a singing career. In retrospect, that notion was ridiculous. Take this video, for example. I was 14, singing in my first master class, and I was absolutely terrified. I'm not exactly sure how this thing surfaced, but it did. Notice how feisty and dramatic I am, and how obvious it is that I am over-compensating for the stomach-spilling, liver-boiling terror that I am only just barely able to suppress. Seriously. You might even notice that my vocal performance suffers as a result. You can see me pushing my voice beyond its years. My vibrato is forced wide open. My lips snarl above my teeth as I try to appear poised and professional.
[Let it be known that I truly hated that song.]
I think that I was best in the studio. Here's a clip of me at 15 singing with the choir that I loved so well. I'm told that this song was written for me to sing, so it's definitely one of the most impressive achievements of my early (and late?) recording career.
Around this time, though, I spent many spare moments in my bedroom, swiveling my hips and listening to jazz and rock & roll. I knew I had a good voice, but if only it weren't so angelic, you know? I didn't feel angelic. I felt horny and strange.
I stopped singing when I was about 18. I had developed a pretty serious case of stage fright, and I thought I might try to divorce myself from an identity that I didn't especially want. People still look at me with shame and dismay when they ask if I've been singing and I reply that, nope, I have not. I do sometimes miss choral singing, but I sure-as-shit don't miss the solo work.
Paradoxically, I've always dreamed of fronting a band. I've been secretly rocking out in my underwear since I was 3. Ah, how things might've been different if my voice had only sounded different. I might've even gone the way of Peaches.
Enter Rami. He and I have made a couple (mediocre) tracks together. Here's my attempt to bury my vocals in the depths of his guitar texture (ala shoegaze, though it certainly lacks that amount of distortion):
[Let it be known that I truly hated that song.]
I think that I was best in the studio. Here's a clip of me at 15 singing with the choir that I loved so well. I'm told that this song was written for me to sing, so it's definitely one of the most impressive achievements of my early (and late?) recording career.
Around this time, though, I spent many spare moments in my bedroom, swiveling my hips and listening to jazz and rock & roll. I knew I had a good voice, but if only it weren't so angelic, you know? I didn't feel angelic. I felt horny and strange.
I stopped singing when I was about 18. I had developed a pretty serious case of stage fright, and I thought I might try to divorce myself from an identity that I didn't especially want. People still look at me with shame and dismay when they ask if I've been singing and I reply that, nope, I have not. I do sometimes miss choral singing, but I sure-as-shit don't miss the solo work.
Paradoxically, I've always dreamed of fronting a band. I've been secretly rocking out in my underwear since I was 3. Ah, how things might've been different if my voice had only sounded different. I might've even gone the way of Peaches.
Enter Rami. He and I have made a couple (mediocre) tracks together. Here's my attempt to bury my vocals in the depths of his guitar texture (ala shoegaze, though it certainly lacks that amount of distortion):
Making a special appearance: overly prominent "D" sounds, left over from my choral training.
Here's some random crap that he played on his keyboard and over which I improvised some more random crap. As you can hear, I can't really stop myself from sounding angelic, but I can try my damndest to make it sound creepy. I think I did okay. A little new-age-y, perhaps, but okay.
Why am I sharing all this with you? I'm pondering what it is that I would need to do in order to recast myself as another sort of singer. I have what a lot of people want, which is to say that I live in a place where no one knows who I am or what I've done. Of course, it's not as if there was anything really stopping me when I still lived in the US, or that there was ever a law against former sopranos turning to the world of rock and jazz. Still, I think there's a certain psychological barrier that has permission to dissolve now that I live in Finland. Without my defenses, without the security of family and friends, without my former self, I am a new person.
TLDR: Maybe I'll start a band?
"I can't really stop myself from sounding angelic"
ReplyDeleteCue hard liquor and cigarettes. Or Angela Gossow.
I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible for my vocal cords to make those sounds. Well, okay, maybe after 15 years of chain smoking and boozing.
DeleteOh my gosh, you have an AMAZING voice! You and Rami are quite a team (his guitar in Pissing Into the Big Time is brilliant). I think it's entirely possible for you to recast yourself, and in fact I think you've more than done so in the two songs you posted, which are both quite different but both wonderful to listen to. You go, girl!!
ReplyDeleteThough, if you ever wanted to do more "churchy" singing, in Helsinki at least there are lots of possibilities. As well as more serious choirs that have a stringent audition process and require a weekly commitment, last year at Christmas I participated in an ad-hoc choir that gets together every year in early November and rehearses once a week (Saturday mornings) until Christmas. We sang (in English) some great stuff - Rutter, Tchaikovsky, and others - as well as some regular Christmas carols. I am no more than an "adequate" singer myself, but a few participants were really good and helped bring us up to a level where we could perform in Tuomiokirkko in Helsinki without shame :)
My younger brother sang in a cathedral choir for many years (he was literally a Kings' College Choir-esque boy soprano, complete with anachronistic-looking robes!) and like you, for a time he gave up singing almost entirely. But then, when he was in his mid-20s, he and some muso friends formed a band that played Abba covers (!) and while he never thought of it as the pinnacle of his music-related dreams, it made him realise that he could use his voice any way he wanted. More recently, he had the lead role in a production of The Boy From Oz, and I was actually able to be in Australia to see one of the performances. I may have been slightly prejudiced, but after not having heard him sing in years and years I was absolutely blown away at how fantastic he was. He had retained the pitch-perfect clarity of his choirboy days, which after all is the hallmark of all good singing, but the rest was suddenly more natural and was just him allowing his personality to come through in his singing.
The journey you describe reminds me so much of his journey. All the very best, and please keep posting the songs you are working on. You really have an awesome voice.
Ah, a fellow choral singer! Have you been singing all your life?
DeleteThanks for the compliments, and I'm very glad to know that someone finds those little ditties enjoyable. We did have fun making them.
Some of my favorite sopranos are boy sopranos! I am an absolute sucker for excellent English choral music sung by a group of boys. We were a choir in the style of King's College, too, only co-ed and perhaps a little edgier. We were subjected to those awful robes, though. Those things were killer in the summer. Thanks for sharing his story. It makes me feel as if there's some hope for me yet.
Elena, although I sang in choirs for many years, I have never been anything but a mediocre singer (an alto who can basically sing in tune but that's about it!) - music is something I've always really enjoyed, but it was never my great strength.
Deletebtw, was watching The Voice of Finland last night, and thinking you could have kicked a lot of those contestants' asses!
you are so talented. holy smokes. your voice is GORGEOUS. and you can write. and look how adorable and young you are. that video of you at 14--so recent, in my opinion--was precious. i'm in awe.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Asha. Lately, I'm not only in awe of you and your writing abilities, but I'm also in awe of your awesome kids. I love hearing their voices.
DeleteI would not use the word "precious" to describe that video..."awkward," "overly dramatic," and "huge eyebrows" are things which come to mind for me. ;)
And I feel as if 1999 was pretty recent, too. It's kind of odd to think of how my life turned out, and I don't think I'd ever want to go back there.
WOW!!!! Incredible duo! I LOVE your voice (AMAZING!!!) and what Rami does with his music, too.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Asha. You're both so talented! :-D I hope to be able to hear you sing more!
Thanks, Amel! Yeah, Rami has a huge amount of musical intelligence. Although he doesn't really write songs (I think he should) he has a gift for improvising. The problems is that our styles don't often match very well. I think what I need to do is mold my style to match his. It can be a side project for me. :)
DeleteI like the sound of a side project. Plus it means spending quality time with Rami. :-D :-D :-D
DeleteGood stuff! "Pissing"...reminds me a bit of Maria McKee´s "If love is a red dress" which is meant to be a compliment.
ReplyDeleteI also like the ambient sounds of "Lion Dress". Nothing wrong with sounding angelic. Janis Joplin will always give me the urge to gag. Take Portishead for example. Great music with an angelic soprano and if this doesn´t move you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60) you are already dead. If you´re seriously considering to start a band my advice is: do it! You have a good guitar player at home, that´s already half the battle.
Thanks for the encouragement. I've been quite enjoying the music your band puts out, and I hope you guys have been playing plenty of gigs and such, getting your stuff out there.
DeleteYou make a great point about Portishead. I guess the trick is just working with what you've got. And I guess if we do get more serious about making music, we'll have to make our song titles less stupid. ;)