I'm Scared to Speak to Anyone

It's something I've struggled with before, back when I was only a tourist here. I'm afraid to use what little Finnish I know. What if it comes out garbled? What if I say "kylla" instead of "kyllä," or "muta" instead of "mutta" ? Clearly, this is something I'll have to overcome, and quickly.

I've been studying Finnish a little on my own with a beginner's textbook (that's oppikirja) that I bought while still in The States. I'm proud of the modest progress I've made as well as overwhelmed with how much there is still to learn. Finnish doesn't belong to the Indo-European language tree (as does English), and is instead Finno-Ugric. As you might imagine, this makes for a real dissimilarity between English and Finnish.

Fortunately for me and for all would-be Finnish learners, the language makes a lot of logical sense. It's really just that damn linguistic barrier between Finnish and my native language that makes learning it so difficult. It's been fun for Rami and me to go through it together, though; I read dialogues aloud from the oppikirja, piece together the meaning and attempt to wrap my head around verb conjugations and noun suffixes. He fills in the gaps. If it weren't a pursuit of such import to me, it would be a fun intellectual challenge.

The problem is, I find it hard to imagine a time when I'll feel equipped to actually use Finnish. It's not just Finnish I'm reticent to speak, though; I'm equally afraid of speaking English. I hate the idea of seeming like an ethnocentric American who thinks she can survive with English because "everyone here can speak it so well!" I mean, it's certainly true that the Finns generally tend to speak English quite well, but I don't want to rely on their skills to make up for my lack of facility with their language. If I really want to assimilate as seamlessly as possible, I have to learn Finnish as well as possible. I just wish I knew how "well" is possible for me.

Shocker

So I've been trying to secure Kela coverage for my Avonex. It's been a bit of a battle in that we were given some wrong information regarding what was required. I'll likely have to pay out of pocket for two months worth of the stuff. This was something I was prepared for, though, so although it is a "worst case scenario" sort of situation, it appears to be one I can handle. Plus, I'll be reimbursed most of the money I'll shell out.

Instead of dwelling on this setback, however, I'd like to mention something that nearly caused me to faint in shock. When I went to the doctor to get a referral to a neurologist at a medical center here in Lappeenranta, I brought about a hundred euros in cash with me. Since I'm not covered by the national social security system yet, I thought I'd have to pay a ton of money out-of-pocket. When they handed me a bill, which I had fourteen days to pay, it read 27 euros. The receptionist explained that this cost covered doctor's visits for the entire year, and would include all of the offices in the Southern Karelia region.

Yep, I love Finland for that alone.

Hard

I haven't written in a while due to being busy with preparing to leave the country and all. The last month has involved seeing a lot of family and friends and saying a lot of deeply painful goodbyes. The ironic and bittersweet connection and reconnection with many in my social network caused me to feel both closure and regret. I hadn't really anticipated that.

I thought as soon as I boarded the plane I'd feel some relief from the sadness pangs; having goodbyes said and security dealt with was my primary focus. I was half right. The plane ride was easy. I couldn't wait to land. Let's get all this travel over with and start building a new life, I thought. Landing was easy, too. Our bags were among the last to emerge, and I felt as if I had been spared the hugely stupid struggle of hunting for all my earthly possessions. I napped fitfully on the car ride to Lappeenranta. I dreamed a little of home and family. Things began to seem scarier -- more daunting than they ever had before.

I knew this feeling would come, but I wasn't prepared for it. I'll be helpless until I have even a rudimentary grasp of Finnish and, even then, I will never, ever be able to communicate as effortlessly as I can with English. I'll be starting over almost from scratch socially speaking as well. Of course, I knew all this long before embarking on the move. I even knew that I would feel sad and helpless and scared. Even so, it was a thing both inevitable and miserable, and it had to happen shortly after landing.

Today, though, I feel much better. Walking around Lappeenranta to see all of my favorite summer sights and studying a little Finnish seemed to pull me out of the funk I felt. I'm still frightened -- it would be pretty stupid if I weren't -- but things are back in perspective.

I'll be writing about my new life here (adjustments, fears, successes, culture, and, of course, cuisine) from now on. I plan to update regularly and often. Watch out.