I haven't been going out much. Really, the only places I venture to are coffee and tea shops with wifi, so that I can get a warm drink and change of scenery. I'm not one who gets lonely very easily and I relish the time I have to myself, so being alone hasn't bothered me. Don't get me wrong; not seeing my friends enough, particularly in the months directly preceding when I will move to another continent, has certainly generated some regret in me. I miss them, and I wish I had more time to appreciate them before I cannot do so very easily. What I mean is that I don't yearn for human contact. I'm okay with solitude. In fact, I need it.
What has been a really significant source of unhappiness and discontentedness is school, and the pressure I exert over myself to do well. For the first time ever, my best is occasionally not good enough, or, at least, not good enough to satisfy my own standards. I have fallen short of several goals that were very important to me, and though I will still likely graduate summa cum laude, I'm disappointed in myself with regard to certain things. It's been a real source of concern and sadness for me. It's not something I can easily explain, so I think I won't bother. Suffice it to say that I have standards which often exceed my university's standards.
This weekend was Easter, and my staunchly atheistic family decided to celebrate in honor of good wine and good food. My friend Craig came down from Boston for a similar occasion (I'm sure), and I was able to enjoy doing what raggies do: browse archaic sources of pornography, and eat at the (formerly) all night diner. I stayed up late enough so as to destroy my chances of waking early enough to truly accomplish what I'd needed to do.
The next night, I went to Patrick and Alessandra's for dinner, where the menu was delicious and the portions were plentiful. We had such a nice time simply eating and laughing, and I nearly forgot that I would have to try to finish a great deal of work the next morning, prior to "Easter" dinner. Well, I woke up late again. Not so late that I didn't have time for at least a little work, but, nevertheless, I didn't do a single thing. This time, it was wholly deliberate. I was relaxed for the first time in months. I was enjoying the sun and the warm wet spring air, and the laughter of Jimmy and my mother over coffee. Two "Easter" dinners later, I was full of wine and turkey and lamb's leg and potatoes and root vegetables of all stripes, and I patted my distended belly and thought only momentarily of how much all these weekend calories would affect my figure.
I managed to do the necessary things, those things that cannot wait, this morning at work. I wouldn't trade this weekend for anything. I needed to forget my troubles, if only for two and a half days, and really remember that life is not all drudgery and self-flagellation. My only regret is not being able to see all the lovely people I've been missing over the course of this semester. I'll see all of you, yet. If I can maintain this slightly more balanced perspective on working, that is!
So I just wrote a long comment here in the attempt to be helpful without being patronizing, but my internet had a blip mid-post, thus deleting it. I can't bring myself to write it all out again. So I will give you the shorter (and probably lamer) version: It is fair to acknowledge your shortcomings, but don't lose sight of your successes. Summa cum laude is a big deal. Your happiness takes priority, even in stressful situations, and even if it may seem impossible to maintain at the time, and so you must be fair to yourself. I hope you have ended your weekend feeling rested and happy and without any guilt over the time you've taken for yourself, because it was likely very necessary. Don't lose sight of those (myself included) who look up to you. You need not critique yourself so harshly.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Melis. Also, "all those people" that I didn't get a chance to see consist primarily of YOU. I'll call you, or you can call me. I'm done neglecting my own happiness all the time. :)
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