Best Weekend in a Many Months

I haven't been going out much. Really, the only places I venture to are coffee and tea shops with wifi, so that I can get a warm drink and change of scenery. I'm not one who gets lonely very easily and I relish the time I have to myself, so being alone hasn't bothered me. Don't get me wrong; not seeing my friends enough, particularly in the months directly preceding when I will move to another continent, has certainly generated some regret in me. I miss them, and I wish I had more time to appreciate them before I cannot do so very easily. What I mean is that I don't yearn for human contact. I'm okay with solitude. In fact, I need it.

What has been a really significant source of unhappiness and discontentedness is school, and the pressure I exert over myself to do well. For the first time ever, my best is occasionally not good enough, or, at least, not good enough to satisfy my own standards. I have fallen short of several goals that were very important to me, and though I will still likely graduate summa cum laude, I'm disappointed in myself with regard to certain things. It's been a real source of concern and sadness for me. It's not something I can easily explain, so I think I won't bother. Suffice it to say that I have standards which often exceed my university's standards.

This weekend was Easter, and my staunchly atheistic family decided to celebrate in honor of good wine and good food. My friend Craig came down from Boston for a similar occasion (I'm sure), and I was able to enjoy doing what raggies do: browse archaic sources of pornography, and eat at the (formerly) all night diner. I stayed up late enough so as to destroy my chances of waking early enough to truly accomplish what I'd needed to do.

The next night, I went to Patrick and Alessandra's for dinner, where the menu was delicious and the portions were plentiful. We had such a nice time simply eating and laughing, and I nearly forgot that I would have to try to finish a great deal of work the next morning, prior to "Easter" dinner. Well, I woke up late again. Not so late that I didn't have time for at least a little work, but, nevertheless, I didn't do a single thing. This time, it was wholly deliberate. I was relaxed for the first time in months. I was enjoying the sun and the warm wet spring air, and the laughter of Jimmy and my mother over coffee. Two "Easter" dinners later, I was full of wine and turkey and lamb's leg and potatoes and root vegetables of all stripes, and I patted my distended belly and thought only momentarily of how much all these weekend calories would affect my figure.

I managed to do the necessary things, those things that cannot wait, this morning at work. I wouldn't trade this weekend for anything. I needed to forget my troubles, if only for two and a half days, and really remember that life is not all drudgery and self-flagellation. My only regret is not being able to see all the lovely people I've been missing over the course of this semester. I'll see all of you, yet. If I can maintain this slightly more balanced perspective on working, that is!

What to Do?

I began this blog with the intention of writing for the sake of writing -- practice, enjoyment, catharsis, what have you -- but I'm having a bit of an internal crisis. I want people to read and enjoy my blog, but can I really expect either of those things if I, more often than not, subject them to the minutiae of my daily life? I sort of think not. My life simply isn't all that interesting. Or, at least, it won't be until I get off the plane on July 25th at Helsinki-Vantaa and I begin my life completely anew. Right now, I am a belated college student and...wait, what else am I? I don't do anything else. So is that why my ego takes a bruising if I ever fail to achieve complete perfection? Probably.

I don't have children whose progressions I can proudly show you. I don't have a particularly interesting or novel career on which to expound. I am interested in politics, technology, science, philosophy, but I do not think I am qualified to write much on any of that.

Anyway, I thought I might try to find a subject or theme to which this blog could adhere. Something of interest to other people. That way, I can get my jollies by writing about things and you, the reader, will have a greater chance of enjoying what you read.

So, anyone have suggestions? The options as I see them are:

a) I keep blathering about my personal life and try to dredge up what's readable.
b) I write about literature and/or music, the two things in which I feel even moderately qualified. Not even, really.
c) I post creative pieces. Is that a terrible idea?
d) You suggest something better. Something you'd like to see.
e) You can tell me to stop writing altogether. I probably won't listen to you, though.

On My Way

I just bought a one-way ticket to Helsinki-Vantaa. I've had a residence permit since late January. I still have myriad Kela and Maitraatti things to do when I arrive, but this shit is real.

I was thinking about how strange this whole thing is, and how I am almost entirely excited and not at all nervous. I suppose, when the time comes to get on the plane and I leave my family and loved ones behind, nerves and a healthy sense of loss will kick in.

And yet I am starting over. I am rebooting my life. I will learn a new language and new customs. I will have simple and affordable access to the rest of Europe. I will learn what it means to be independent of the culture in which I've spent my life entrenched. Plus, I'll always have the support of my husband when I commit a faux pas, or get lost, or need a translator. And I will save my money so that I can visit my family and friends a lot.