It's funny -- I've unable to write lately. And I don't mean that I've been too busy or lazy or tired or uninspired (although all those things have been true, too). I mean that every time I resolve to write something, even if it is a cathartic outpouring in my private journal, I've been unable to write more than a few words. It has felt impossible; it has felt almost as though I've forgotten how.
Except for today. The spell was broken today, and I wrote a poem.
I think it's this business of teaching. I love teaching, but I also feel as if I'm one of those Podlings from The Dark Crystal who've had their essence drained. That's a far more negative image than I hope to paint, but I suppose it's a common feeling; the very nature of the job demands lots and lots of essence.
Not only that, but it demands an altered formula. It's not as if simply being myself will do the trick. I've got to pretend to some extent, at least enough to portray myself as someone with a tiny modicum of authority (an attempt that likely fail in any case). I do try to be as genuine as possible with my students, and I truly believe that I forge strong relationships with them as a result -- but, even so, the formula's been altered.
I'm fairly sure that keeping connections to my own interests, of which writing is one, would go a long way to helping this. And I've tried, oh, how I've tried. The very fact of this post, though -- as I sit here with wet hair and a coffee -- is a damn good sign. Perhaps it's the increase in sunlight. You know what? It's definitely that.
But I should also probably think a lot less about "being myself" and what that entails. In other words, I should detach from my ego a little. Then, I'll probably be okay.
Except for today. The spell was broken today, and I wrote a poem.
I think it's this business of teaching. I love teaching, but I also feel as if I'm one of those Podlings from The Dark Crystal who've had their essence drained. That's a far more negative image than I hope to paint, but I suppose it's a common feeling; the very nature of the job demands lots and lots of essence.
Not only that, but it demands an altered formula. It's not as if simply being myself will do the trick. I've got to pretend to some extent, at least enough to portray myself as someone with a tiny modicum of authority (an attempt that likely fail in any case). I do try to be as genuine as possible with my students, and I truly believe that I forge strong relationships with them as a result -- but, even so, the formula's been altered.
I'm fairly sure that keeping connections to my own interests, of which writing is one, would go a long way to helping this. And I've tried, oh, how I've tried. The very fact of this post, though -- as I sit here with wet hair and a coffee -- is a damn good sign. Perhaps it's the increase in sunlight. You know what? It's definitely that.
But I should also probably think a lot less about "being myself" and what that entails. In other words, I should detach from my ego a little. Then, I'll probably be okay.
