Nothing - Guilty of Everything

I rarely post exclusively about music, but shoegaze band Nothing's new release has me utterly smitten. I've been listening to it for about three days straight, truth be told.

Here's a piece on them that covers a bit of their background, which I find musically fascinating. I've always seen a connection and an opportunity for convergence between shoegaze and heavier forms of music. These guys seem to embody that idea, although you could really debate just how much hardcore influence there actually is to be heard in their sound.

Either way, wherever they come from and whatever their influences are, this album is great and I love it. 

Crazy Sexy Cool

I used to think that eating a sandwich for breakfast was truly bizarre. I remember the first time I took the Finnair flight from New York to Helsinki, I was sort of bemused to find that what they were calling "breakfast" was what I'd call "lunch": rye bread, ham, cheese and, totally out of my realm of experience, butter.

Now I'm writing to all of you at 8.00 over coffee, rye bread, ham, no cheese, and tomato.

How I've changed.

Earlier in the week, I went with a very special friend to Jyväskylä, where I had a few hours to myself in which to explore the center.

I haven't traveled nearly as much as I'd like within Finland (due to lack of funds, travel companions, etc.) so it was nice to broaden my horizons so to speak. Firstly, I was sort of amazed at how much shopping there was to do. Being right on the border, Lappeenranta is known for attracting Russian tourists with promises of shopping sprees. It made me chuckle to see just how much more there was to consume on Kauppakatu in Jyväskylä than pretty much anywhere in Lappeenranta. I've mentioned before that I'm not much of a shopper, but there's something about doing it alone, with the music in your earbuds subsuming what plays over the loudspeakers, that I really enjoy. I even bought a skirt! I think that proves there's a normal human lurking somewhere within me.

Because this winter has been unbelievably mild, it was pleasant to hang around outside, too. I found the kaupunginkirkko and the kirkkopuisto, where I sat for a while and scarfed a Mars bar.

And, finally, I found this gem in H&M:

I'd like to title this photo "Adventures in Getting Old". You see, a large percentage of my friends had both this shirt and this album when I was about 10 years old. It's now a retro item, something "the kids" wear for its nostalgia or its irony or just because they see it in H&M. On a related note, this is Finland. Was TLC even a thing in Finland? Perhaps someone can enlighten me.

And now, powered by coffee and ruisleipä, I'll take my leave and run on the snowless streets of LPR. 

More

Life is beautiful lately. My life is unfolding in the most beautiful way.

I've always been sort of a neurotic, anxious person. As I described in my previous post, sometime last summer I began the process of letting go; I think I was tired and seduced by the sun, and the spell that kept me in a sort of self-made prison was broken. I feared it wouldn't last into the winter, but it very much has.

Although I still have far, far too little teaching work, the quality of my teaching has improved. I'm more confident, more adept, and I feel more relaxed standing in front of a class. I had a few troubling experiences last year, but those really served to vet me. Nothing can touch me now.

I'll be taking the YKI testi in April, which I'm not terribly worried about. Should I be? While I'm well below the ylin taso, I think I have a firm grasp of the things that I anticipate will be on the keskitaso test. Don't worry - I'm studying my ass off regardless. It's good for me to do so anyway.

I see a therapist. I started seeing her last winter when the depths of my depression and the burden of my anxiety were too much to take. I see her less often now, once every two or three weeks, and I think our sessions will conclude altogether fairly soon. She's given me a really beneficial, third-party perspective on who I am and why.

She once described an autobiography she'd read about a Rwandan genocide survivor. This woman, as you might expect, led a life of twists, turns and uncertainty. My therapist said, "I thought of you and how there are many, many ways in which to live a life."

I was kind of stunned by the comparison. It seemed almost crass. I have never wanted for food or shelter, nor have I ever, ever feared for my life or for the safety of my family. I am certain that my cushy existence bears little resemblance to that of this person. Still, I think what she meant was that I've led a rather strange life. I've made strange choices. There's been a fair amount of upheaval and tumult, although both are a result of my own meandering whims. It was surprising and enlightening to realize this.

In a sense, this tendency to meander is something I've really got to watch, observe and keep in check. In another, it's something I must to some extent accept. I'm not a person who's ever had average desires or plans. Hell, I'm not someone who's ever had a plan at all. It might be nice if I did, but I simply don't. All I have are tentative ideas about what might come to pass. That's not to say that I don't desire to work towards something; on the contrary, I feel a need, a compulsion to carve a productive, happy place for myself. I just have an overwhelming sense that life, opportunities, circumstances and seemingly innocuous choices will lead me to places of which I cannot even dream. 

I know some things have to change

My adolescence continues.

Since the last, glorious summer, my definition of home has undergone a fairly significant revision. The intense homesickness I felt a year ago has receded and been replaced by a sense of tentative comfort as well as a deep affection for Lappeenranta.

I feel rootless, as though nothing is keeping me in any one place or in any particular station. Even so, when I imagine leaving Lappeenranta, or Finland in general, I feel the loss.

My Finnish is improving by leaps and bounds every day. I don't even think to measure my progress much anymore; what I know is that I'm able to use it, understand it, and I don't fear mistakes or misunderstandings as I used to. I can't be expected to speak it perfectly, naturally or colloquially yet, nor can I expect flawless, fluent comprehension on my end.

I'm still lonely, and I still yearn for connection, but my outlook is a positive one.

A few things have helped me to become happier, I think. The first and foremost is regular exercise. Running has improved my quality of life in innumerable ways; it has made me healthier and more satisfied with my body, it has required me to fulfill a daily obligation, even if said obligation is only to myself, and it's given me a chance to enjoy and explore Lappeenranta.

I've noticed something else, too: the more I'm able to form associations between music and my existence in LPR, the more at home I feel. For instance:

I associate this song with sitting by the lake at midnight, looking out over the dusky, late-June horizon.

And when I hear this song, I think of running past the hiekkalinna, the sun on my face and my lungs filling with summer.

But my good memories and their corresponding songs aren't limited to warm weather.

It wouldn't be winter without some good drone. I think of nighttime walks in the snowy November woods when this song pops up on shuffle.

So, if you're struggling to integrate, to find joy and connection, I say, force the issue. Suck joy like a sponge from the things you love, and take good care of yourself. Form a healthy obsession. Accept things for what they are. And, though I hate to be one of "those people", exercise daily.

Good to be back.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Another long respite. Oops. Let's just say I've been on vacation. Fully vacated. You've been patient, and for that you deserve pictures.

Terrace view of the harbor

Abundant candy

Waiting for the rain to let up before a night out

(OMG she's a Mac user wtf)

Mökki

The Finnish class I took in June was beneficial, and I met several new friends. 

I've gotten through an eye exam, a haircut (complete with chitchat) and several interesting discussions entirely in Finnish. I'm officially conversational. 

I'm learning more about myself than I care to know. Who knew that I'd experience a second adolescence at 28? 

In a little less than two weeks I'll be back in the US, a trip I planned this winter in a fit of homesickness. I should probably stick around, save money, practice my Finnish and hang out by the lake, but I'm elated. 

Good news/Bad news

Good news: I just love studying Finnish grammar outside in the sun. I have some reviewing to do before class begins again on Friday.

Bad news: I don't believe my skin has ever been this pale.

Untitled 1

The spring, this being a particularly nice one, has brought me energy. Things that seemed impossible or hopeless only a few weeks ago have begun to seem, well, possible and hopeful.

It's amazing how that works.

I'll be taking a month-long intensive Finnish course in June. After that, I'll be free to spend July outside, perhaps at the mökki. I'll spend August in the US, and I'll begin teaching again in September.

For the moment, I've been teaching medical English to a group of nurses. I write dialogues for them, which, I have to admit, aren't half bad. However, teaching this stuff is not easy when you have an easily-tickled scatological sense of humor. It takes every ounce of will that I possess not to giggle when I teach them verbs like "to poop" or "to defecate". Send me back to peruskoulu.

I've been running between five and six times a week because I want to. I've lost some skinny fat and gotten a bit more svelte. Because the sunsets over Saimaa are so irresistibly beautiful, I've been taking long nighttime walks by the water.

Perhaps best of all, I've begun to imagine my future here. Finland is where I ended up, and it's where I intend to stay.

Has the coming summer seduced me? Yes, in part. But I think that's okay.

I've been quite lazy about studying Finnish, but I continue to progress anyway. I've noticed that my listening comprehension in particular has improved by leaps and bounds in the last six months or so. Perhaps working hard is the wrong tactic right now. Perhaps passive input is the way to go.

I've also decided to take the needle and get my first tattoo. It'll be a piece of text that reminds me of the sun - because sometimes all you've got are words to remind you.